Shirktown

My cat's breath smells like cat food!

2009-05-15T00:16:00.003-04:00

one of many relatives on facebook posts shit like:Well, this might be a little vague but in psychoanalysis there is a long-standing distrust of the "golden rule" (glossing Dr. Tyler) of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Speaking with my therapist, (he. he.) there is the "platinum rule": do unto others as THEY would LIKE to have done unto them. This is to say that to presume to

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-05-11T20:16:00.002-04:00

kid: Bumblebee go outside. Julian help me widda shovel. me: uh oh.kid: Bumblebee got all dry. Inna shell.me: ew?kid: He died. I'm sorry. [gives me side-hug]note to preschools everywhere: maybe more robust pets are in order.note to remaining turtle: watch your back.

The Saga of Pork Chop

2009-05-01T21:26:00.002-04:00

OD comes home telling me that the kid's class has three turtles as pets.me: tell me about your turtleskid: pochapgoousiiiiideme: what? something outside?kid: pochapgooSIIIIIDEme: how about the turtle's names. Tell me their names.kid: simba, bumblebee, PORK CHOPme: ohhhhhh. Pork Chop go outside. I get it now. Wait, why was Pork Chop outside anyway?kid: Pork Chop go outside. I getta shovel. me

I'm sure they're keeping them in the back. Just for you.

2009-04-27T13:58:00.002-04:00

kid: Where going?me: We're going to the pet store. To get cat litter. You can see some animals.kid: want see fish.me: sure, you can see fish.kid: and elephants.me: I don't think they have elephants. It's a pet store.kid: Maybe ask.

WWYD?

2009-04-06T15:04:00.002-04:00

Would you un-friend someone who thumbs-upped the following image on Facebook:how about if the idiot in question were a 16 year old cousin who may just not know any better?the hell is wrong with that child?

Lessons Learned

2009-04-02T11:08:00.005-04:00

I did something completely stupid parenting-wise recently, and it is going to haunt me for the next two and a half months.We're going on a trip, really our first all together, in June, and I am out of control excited. Really disproportionately so. I know other people fly to australia and whatever all the time, every weekend, blah blah, but WE don't. And I'm EXCITED.So. Even though I should

Pachycephalosaurus speaks

2009-03-24T22:48:00.004-04:00

I just want to set the record straight here, because a lot of talk has been going about how Maiasaura is some kind of maternal hero. Just because someone is named "good mother lizard" doesn't mean she is, you know what I mean? Look, I'm not saying she was the worst or anything, because we all know about the time Baryonyx's kids were in the car when she got stopped driving home from her

yes, virginia

2009-03-16T20:12:00.004-04:00

OD brought home 7th grade "anonymous questions" from biology class. Sex educators, you had better step it UP. To wit:"Is it possible that when a boys sperm and a girls egg join together that the child might have a penious and a virginia?"how do teachers keep from snorting out loud, I ask?

"What did he see?" my mom said

2009-02-27T19:32:00.003-05:00

My child just insisted I call up Gramma and Mustache to tell them, "I SEE PENIS INNA SKY!!!"It's clouding up now, so I think ya missed your chance to see it. PS I totally stole this photo from the internets.

let this be a beacon in the googlewilderness

2009-02-17T19:20:00.002-05:00

Did you know that (until I hit Publish) there are no google results for I Hate My Alumnae Magazine? Nor, believe it or not, for the more universal I Hate My Alumni Magazine. Yet I truly cannot believe that I am the only one who does in fact, hate and revile her alumnae magazine. Of which we receive two per quarter. That's two more than I require. I just...hate everything about it. It is a

Go On, Point and Laugh!

2009-02-04T20:32:00.003-05:00

Would you like to see a picture from before I owned a hair dryer? Really? Come on, it's hilarious!This photo is ten years old. Ten! As you can see my hair is embarrassed to be associated with me and is trying to flee in all directions. Now I beat it into submission daily with red-hot instruments. This is all by way of introducing the inhabitants of this photo, of course. One of whom I am

Sadly, No

2009-01-21T23:21:00.004-05:00

The boy demanded to SEE BOCK BAMA 'GAIN after dinner and who am I to deny him? He sat mostly still for quite a while during the speech, but finally turned and said, "Obama gonna sing?"Sorry to disappoint, kid. You must be thinking of John Ashcroft.

The Day

2009-01-20T06:50:00.000-05:00

I can do many things well enough, but few things outstandingly. One talent in particular that I lack is the fancy-talking. So I can't write about all the layers of emotion I feel today and all the big thoughts that are going through my mind. Luckily, I know you're all right there with me, and I don't have to explain. And I'll let a picture do some of the talking.

so

2009-01-05T23:04:00.000-05:00

my mother is twittering.

Pointless complaint

2008-12-21T18:02:00.003-05:00

The guy upstairs, despite being very normal and friendly in person, is an email jerk. I bet he doesn't even realize. But every email he sends is bossy and curt. A couple months ago he sent around this email saying "whoever has been using the trash cans please put them out on trash night." Whoever has been using the trash cans? Do someone people not produce trash? Do YOU not produce trash,

Facebook continues to jump shark

2008-12-20T21:11:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned before that facebook is not as cutting edge as I once thoughtbut seriouslymy grandmother just friended me

The real reason the churches resent Darwin

2008-12-14T22:52:00.007-05:00

On Sunday mornings before noon, the Harvard museums are all free. Free I tell you! So that is where you find us, along with half the toddler population of Cambridge, at the Natural History/Peabody complex. Harvard's Museum of Natural History galleries (and the upper floors of the Ethnography museum) have been largely untouched by modern museum practices. They do not have carefully curated,

junk solution

2008-12-13T09:26:00.003-05:00

If you have junk to be rid in a great hurry of may I recommend the Free listings on craigslist. Last night I posted this and within ten minutes someone had claimed it. Faster than leaving it on the street on trash night! Less fussy than Freecycle! I also received twenty other inquiries, one "WTF?" and one "Don't lose heart, Jesus loves you." To sum up, craigslist is hungry for junk.

Where to even begin

2008-11-18T16:44:00.002-05:00

Hey! As these children are warehoused in residential facilities and group homes and/or shuffled from one overcrowded foster home to another I'm sure they'll be thinking "Thank Jeebus at least I'm not being cared for by a single person or a gay couple!!! And thank the Invisible Pink Unicorn my abusers voted to keep it that way!!!"

I effed up

2008-11-05T23:23:00.001-05:00

forgetfulness and 'someone else will do it' disease have conspired to leave me newspaperless today. I've been to all the all night drugstores and grocery stores and all the street boxes, obviously they are all gone. do you think people will sell them on ebay??

The Story of Chicken Nugget

2008-10-29T14:53:00.002-04:00

When I offer the boy chicken he says:"chicken NUGGet!"I must state for the record that although he has had pizza, french fries, ice cream, and sour patch kids he found on the bookshelf, I have never offered him a chicken nugget. He has obviously been frequenting the late night drive through on his own time. I told my parents this and they thought it was funny.Then my dad created a chicken

Quiz Time

2008-10-19T20:42:00.002-04:00

What do these three items have in common?Answer:If you are nearly two, they are all pronounced "FUCK".

Yeah, you lazy bums, wake up and get to it

2008-10-13T23:23:00.003-04:00

Me: Mustache and Gramma have to leave. They have to go home. Kid: Why?*Me: Well, they have lots of work to do. Kid: Why sleeping?*the endless WHY has arrived.

File under D for Duh, Dumbass

2008-10-10T09:37:00.002-04:00

O RLY?

I'm not saying health insurance companies are dumb, but....

2008-10-06T21:59:00.002-04:00

My child (<2) today received a letter informing him that a good way to prevent asthma attacks is to quit smoking. It's never too late to quit smoking.

The fun is over

2008-10-06T17:11:00.001-04:00

Recently joined Facebook, but now the relatives have found me. Topics now off limits to me on there are: politics; swearing; the existence of this blog. CURSES!

OH SNAP!

2008-10-04T21:15:00.002-04:00

OD: Am I cute?Boy: No! Mama cute. I cute.(he and I can agree to disagree, though)

TM sarah palin

2008-10-03T12:12:00.002-04:00

From now on when I get treated bad or dissed in any way due to Teh Gay, I'm going to say "I'm feeling kind of tolerated right now."

I hope he's right.....

2008-09-29T22:40:00.001-04:00

All You Need To Know: Anagram Edition

2008-09-11T16:28:00.000-04:00

SARAH PALIN=SHARIA PLANfyi.

Humorous Anecdote

2008-09-08T09:51:00.002-04:00

Child: Want Elmo! Want Elmo! Want Elmo!Me: (oh hell)MIL: What does he want?Me: He wants to watch Sesame Street. Do you get PBS?MIL: Do they still have that show?Me: Oh yeah.MIL: They make new ones?Me: Yep. Plus reruns. It's a big hit.MIL: Do they still have Big Cock?Me: mphgh?MIL: Big Bird. The yellow chicken. Me: Yep. And with that, I leave you with this youtube video, in which Big C.

Laziness in photo form!

2008-09-03T09:50:00.005-04:00

At Gramma's house, I can eff with the violin? RULE.AND throw things at ducks??(I'm selling this one to the New York State Milk Board for ad campaigns)Can't tell if he likes corn or not...I dub thee...sir chickyHe's saying "DONKEY! EAT IT!!!!"

how not to get a job

2008-08-25T16:55:00.001-04:00

from: xxxxx@xxxx.xxxto: shirkymclazy@yahoo.comi came across you add and was very indentured in the position

anarchist or anti-fiat-currency libertarian?

2008-08-19T11:32:00.007-04:00

the boy took my wallet, removed the dollar bills (all both of them), crumpled them up and declared them to be "trash!" Luckily I caught him on his way to the garbage can, but he was mum on whether motivated by simple anti-government feeling or a desire to move back to the gold standard. Or perhaps it was a comment on the current value of the USD.

Maybe he's been secretly adding to the netflix queue

2008-08-05T11:46:00.002-04:00

Here's something creepy: a language-learning toddler whose new out of context phrase is "They're coming!"repeat as necessary to create proper horror-movie foreshadowing.

and candy for breakfast!

2008-07-29T10:44:00.001-04:00

Am I a permissive parent? According to my child's tricycle, which slept in bed with him last night, YES.

What To Read And Why

2008-07-21T15:53:00.003-04:00

The blogroll just sits there, and no one clicks.I cleaned it up, and below are reasonswhy I read (or don’t) each of them. Go on, click something new! A little pregnant-This was the one that led me to all the others.She used to maintain an incredible collection of parenting blog links, including a category devoted to adoption. This is where it all started. I

needed

2008-07-16T23:44:00.001-04:00

for work: personal mottofunny, not too seriousprobably not latin because I won't understand itwhere can I find????

Bugaboo Creek Traumatized my Child

2008-07-13T14:11:00.003-04:00

Warning! Apparently child-friendly restaurants with crayons, french fries, and sippy cups may in fact have WILD ANIMALS inside which, although non-alive, will scare the bejeezus out of your child and force you to endure YET ANOTHER meal with someone sitting on your lap, this time whimpering "mooose.....moooooooose....."also, we drove past two days later and he wails "MOOOOOOOSE". The "will eat

public service

2008-07-06T17:07:00.003-04:00

I share with you, internet, my new favorite TV show that we've been watching online. Torchwood! It's like Buffy plus X Files, if everyone were Welsh and a little gay. Hottness!Watch episodes here

Dr Foster Went to Gloucester

2008-06-27T11:20:00.002-04:00

Here's what I would tell teenagers about avoiding pregnancy (the why, not the how). When we became parents, my grandmother sent a card, and it was a little different from all the "Congratulations!" cards. She said, "Welcome to the constant worry, sleepless nights, and never ending fear."I know it doesn't sound nice, but it was intended in love and that's how I took it. I was actually

Things The Geneva Convention Would Explicitly Ban, If My Child Were In Charge

2008-06-26T12:13:00.002-04:00

-putting on shirts-taking off shirts-putting on pants-sandals-baths-leaving the park-sharing toys

chow

2008-06-20T14:29:00.002-04:00

I was a moderately picky eater child. My parents felt that this was both a character flaw of mine and a terrible indictment of their parenting, and gave me a hell of a lot of static about it. Because I was also a more-than-moderately stubborn child, this made things a hell of a lot worse and I was quite old before I ate widely. Which I mostly do, although there is a list of things I will not

"at" "work"

2008-06-05T10:08:00.002-04:00

The cat seems confused and I don't blame her, as I'm mighty confused myself, since I'm officially at work, yet my ass is in my own desk chair in my own bedroom. wha??? yah, today is a work from home day, so I'm "working" from home. I say that because I have no idea what I'm doing yet. Also, we communicate with IRC, which is like 1993, and I forget how to use it! I used to be cool, what

cutetastic!

2008-05-26T22:43:00.003-04:00

weekend with cousins and grandfather mustache

Q&A

2008-05-23T09:57:00.002-04:00

The kid still doesn't carry on real conversations, of course (except with himself, while falling asleep, which is very funny), but he can verbally respond to questions like, "what do you want to eat?" Sometimes he answers "narsmwiwx" or something like that which means we play guessing game. I say "soup? (mo) milk? (mo) yogurt? (mo) potatoes? (mo) veg? (mo)" until I hit the right one. When I do

Survivor: Tantrumtown

2008-05-21T22:40:00.002-04:00

McCain to Host Possible Veeps at Ariz. HomeDear Friends: Thank you for agreeing to visit my Arizona home on such short notice! We have a big weekend planned, so I'm sending this agenda to better prepare you all for the great things I have planned. Remember your sunscreen!0800 Arrival at Compound. Blindfolds provided during drive to secondary location.0900 Division into shirts and skins0930

And where am I today?

2008-05-19T10:42:00.002-04:00

Where else?

I'll be under the bed if you need me*

2008-05-13T21:04:00.001-04:00

hiding from this*because I have fragglephobia.

Jenna is the dumb one right? (warning: very whiny post)

2008-05-10T22:39:00.003-04:00

Jenna Bush got married, which reminded me that Jenna Bush exists, and also reminded me of my college roommate. Because they look a little bit alike. Also, because I think they act a little bit alike. With the bein' rich and drinkin' a bit too much and so on. Anyway I'm not a big fan of my college roommate lately to be perfectly honest. She always believed herself to be a few notches better

everyone has a price

2008-05-05T16:31:00.003-04:00

how much pay cut would you accept in order to work somewhere where people are smart and funny, where you work at home 50% of the time, versus a place where people are average-smart and a little bit scary, where you get steep travel discounts? further, both have a certain amount of free food, and both dish out the undeserved praise with a free hand. not that I have any job offers. I'm just

yeah, my kid is funny but

2008-05-05T12:03:00.002-04:00

this kid will be the funniest person in the universe

very, very self-indulgent post

2008-04-30T06:57:00.003-04:00

Conversation:Me: no.Babe: NO!Me: Yes!Babe: YES!Me: Copycat.Babe: KIIIIIIIITTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!Phrases spoken in my home for which this post might become the only google result:Mustache is sleeping.*The cat is not a drum.***In the night he gets up and demands "mustache" (grandad) who, if not sleeping, is at least 200 miles away.**self explanatory

Excuse me, friend, do you like to laugh?

2008-04-14T16:35:00.004-04:00

I listen to podcasts while I clean up and fold laundry. Without podcasts, there would be [more] raisins stuck to the floor. So I am very much hoping that Croncast continues after their 500th show. They say that if their audience doubles they will continue 2x a week. If you like to laugh, subscribe to their podcast. Maybe try listening to their Vacation show. That Betsy is very funny. And

I'm calling this one

2008-04-14T10:03:00.001-04:00

When 'inconsistencies' are discovered in this book, I get five points.

whoops

2008-04-11T08:57:00.002-04:00

Subconsciously I must not want the job I am interviewing for this evening, because I totally forgot about it this morning and left the house dressed all casual Friday. I don't think I have any time at lunch to get different shoes or some kind of sweater that might distract from the cargo pants and tshirt and sneakers look. Embarrassing. I hope they don't think I'm just rude. I'm just

I got it!

2008-04-06T08:46:00.001-04:00

Charlton Heston's gun, that is. (poor taste? what's that?)

I pronounce it "nasta!"

2008-03-29T23:09:00.006-04:00

The NSTA conference exploded all over our house. As you can see. I asked OD to go by the Molt HicSnoodle* booth and tell them to fuck off, you fucking fuckers but she was like "ummmmm...no." Wuss.*Clever pseudonym

They hired me to type these numbers and hit "enter" all day

2008-03-26T18:02:00.002-04:00

I went to a temp job and it was weird. While I was there someone slipped this note over the cube wall. Do you think I should worry?

puunaikutti

2008-03-19T22:48:00.004-04:00

It's been about a year since our old-time kitty died, and we said hey! we have a toddler, and one of us is unemployed! Let's saddle ourselves with another high-maintenance mouth to feed! Long story short, new cat! She was this stray who landed herself in the pound, see, and they happened to give her the same name as our old cat, so how could we let her moulder in the pound? You see my point.

It's like Video Cringe

2008-03-17T21:31:00.009-04:00

Have you had opportunity yet today to mock anyone? If not, you are in luck. I present to you an extract from a video created nearly nine years ago, when I was young and frustrated with the job hunt. Although I am older now, and have more job interviews behind me, I still feel exactly like this on most days. Plus ca change etc. About the hair: I know, okay? I think someone cut it drunk.

Available to Hire: Half a Brain

2008-03-06T15:17:00.003-05:00

Dear Random House Australia, Penguin House USA, and/or Sarah Crichton Books:I am hereby offering my services as a doubter, skeptic, and all-round Mary Mary Quite Contrary to you for a reasonable salary and benefits package. I do not actually check facts--I don't have that kind of time or patience--but I am severely non-gullible. So what can I do for you? Basically here is how we'll work. If

Worst Party Ever: You Vote

2008-03-05T14:55:00.002-05:00

Two Parties, both amazingly terrible, but so different. One where I was insanely uncool (or was i?) and the other where everyone else was insanely uncool (or were they?). Your choice!Party One!I am 13 years old. I have never been invited to a party that wasn't a birthday party. I have never thrown a party that wasn't a birthday party. I am Not Cool. I am Not Popular. Middle School is

Odd Dreams From the Last Week

2008-03-04T12:27:00.003-05:00

Escape To Cuba!a small group of people sets sail in a decrepit small boat, not to escape FROM Cuba, but to flee TO Cuba! Once there they cannot leave and cannot get wi-fi. It is a fiasco.The Man Who Knew Too Much!A mafia-esque group of Hasidic Jews is searching for one of their own against whom they have a longstanding grudge. He has left the community and now lives in Boston as a non-Jewish

all civics are blue in the dark

2008-02-23T00:10:00.001-05:00

I just shoveled out the wrong car! I don't know whose but they better appreciate it. It's cold out there.

this sucks

2008-02-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

looking for a job while unemployed sucks ass, people. I have been pulling out ALL THE STOPS and I've had one disastrous phone interview (see previous), one useless callback (six month positions without benefits...ah, we call that temping where I'm from), and I am making myself miserable in the process. being home all (well most all) of each day has not led to the tidy home I had wished either.

after-math

2008-01-30T16:52:00.000-05:00

1 self-removed diaper and logical conclusion of that incident425 raisins consumed18 dates consumed249 cheerios ground into carpet8293 styrofoam packing peanuts scattered_____=result of one mistimed nap and phone interview"amuse yourself, kid," I said."we're, uh, rated highly by working mother magazine," she said.

yes, he takes special mischief lessons

2008-01-30T08:02:00.000-05:00

Just now I attempted to distract my child by filling his highchair tray with raisins and cheerios, hoping for long enough to check my email [neglect rating:1]. glancing back from the screen to the child I find him standing in his seat, grinning and signing "sit". "Sit down!" I say."NO!" he shouts.I'm in for it.

more good things

2008-01-29T17:52:00.001-05:00

1- I needed new 'interview' clothes (aka not Ill-Fitting Jeans(tm)) so I went to the special store for ladies of my size and damn, it is nice to try on clothes that don't make you feel like a mutant freak. Plus I think they have special look-good mirrors there. If I had money I'm sure I would buy a lotta clothes over there.2- Sleeping in. Is awesome.3- I feel like I'm accomplishing something

file under: blogs on blogs

2008-01-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

some blogs rub me the wrong way. yet, I can't stop reading and imagining bitchy comments I would write if i were a [more] terrible person. I've had comments deleted before on blogs, but it wasn't because they were mean. I was trying to be funny and I was *perceived* as mean, or so I figure. something about my delivery is way off. also a friend of mine started a blog like last week and

The Good Things About Being Caught in a Massive Layoff

2008-01-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

-people are very sympathetic and tell you all about "the one time I got laid off,"-gossip spreads: free networking with no awkward cold calling!-everyone sends farewell emails addressed "To the best coworkers ever!", and you can pretend they meant you too-quick way out of that pesky health insurance nonsense

ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

2008-01-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

In answer to Christine's question: nope. unless you count the free boxes! they gave us to put our meager possessions into. Free boxes! woo! nothing interesting happened...early meeting, quick announcement, awkward joking (I am putting that skill on my resume), and interminable waiting for our turn in the exit interview room. The end! or is it? Well yes, I won't be back to linger or tie up any

and what does one wear to such an occasion?

2008-01-24T06:51:00.000-05:00

I slept poorly, but not for the reason you think! It is because today is the layoff day. We're not sure whether Friday will be our last day? or if we'll have to take our stuff and go? I'm taking my backpack just in case. One would think that we would actually be asked to finish our projects. But on the other hand it would be bad business to have a bunch of short timers hanging around, all

Not On Hiatus--Just Lazy

2008-01-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

I don't post, but it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm not creative. The death of a blog is a sad thing. Although karen of NO is back (as cheek), RIF is gone, finslippy (W!) is 'on a break', and croncast is running out its last 50 shows. Doesn't everyone inside the computer know they exist for my entertainment?? I'm flailing about trying to remember how people get jobs. Turns out they

ME EAT HOUSE.

2008-01-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

This house is so cute I want to stomp on it like godzilla. I don't know where he keeps anything but ISN'T IT THE CUTEST?I love the position that a small home reduces my consumption. it helps me not feel terrible about having my familiy in baby condo (with no outdoor space period). When I go to peoples houses and they have...another bathroom...another story..playroom...parking...and a yard....

Ok, sounds good [you giant douchebag]

2008-01-15T14:45:00.000-05:00

"...amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards..." -HuckabeeOh absoLUTEly, and WHY haven't we thought of this before?? I took the liberty of getting a head start!!First order of business! New capital of USA is Mt. Olympus. It's the dwelling place of the gods!Secondly, nine justices of the supreme court? Out! nine high priests of AHURA MAZDA? IN,

minus one telephone

2008-01-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

When the phone tree called tonight to tell OD that there is no school tomorrow, she was so excited she apparently hurled the telephone to the ground. Now the boy has one new toy, and we have one less phone. And no school! Totally worth it. I still have work. Maybe my new job should be in a school....yeah, that's the ticket...

Mmmmmm, Pizza

2008-01-11T15:22:00.000-05:00

That murder pizza kid pled guilty for a short sentence. The end of a weird story. Don't drink and fight, kids! Also: if you are stabbed, call an ambulance, do not try to drive to a hospital. That's not a good plan.

it's peanut butter jelly time!

2008-01-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

anyone read this?i dunno, does it mean I can dispense with packing lunches and just send peanut butter smeared on a playing card?even if it's all true--probably can't let anyone see me feeding a toddler nuts. Dr. Disapprobation From Other Mothers trumps all those germans!! ha!

so. cold.

2008-01-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

today was cold enough to freeze my ipod. Also, and I don't know if this was related to the cold, the train shut its door on a woman's arm and when I tried to pry it open THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE. Everyone started to scream and it stopped. The End. I think she was scared though. I would have been really, really pissed. Mittens are great but sometimes I think I would like mittens made of hot

happy new year for the tired and lazy

2008-01-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Shut the door on a year that was good but which made me very, very tired.I resolve to continue an excellent record of water conservation by continuing to never, ever, wash the car. The boy--no longer a baby but a Real Boy--added a few adorable and some not adorable tricks to his bag. He calls us 'mama' or sometimes 'nananananananananana'. He started saying please. He also started amazing

I think i'm nearly done

2007-12-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

I got this for my sister:baby's getting thisThe BIL is getting These and theseplus some carbon offsets cuz that's how he rolls. Someone's kid is getting an item close to this but I couldn't find an exact picture.And for the yankee swap? I got this ridiculous object:I very briefly hesitated to actually give it away because the kid decided it was his New Best Friend. But hello, who wants crap in

Six Hour Tour

2007-12-13T22:15:00.000-05:00

At Three PM on Thursday, OD left her work with the kid, bound for home--a ten mile trip. At Six PM, she called me at home to say she was halfway. At Seven PM, she called to say that she was in the same location she had previously called from. At Seven-ten PM, I packed a bottle of milk, a cup of hot cocoa, the baby's snowsuit and boots, and four charcoal handwarmers in a backpack, and departed the

Uh, I know it's in central asia?

2007-12-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

Something I ordered for someone accidentally got shipped to Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan! that is a JOKE COUNTRY.

Progress

2007-12-12T12:59:00.000-05:00

Stayed up late on Amazon.com. This is a dog toy for a dog owning relative. On rec from caramama, for my grandfather:This is for my dad. It is about the multiverse.This is a funny book Here is a book for Unkie Jer. You would be surprised at the selection in this category at amazon. He will find it funny but hopefully not useful.This is for my mom but I am worried she already has it.And then..

More and more and more

2007-12-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

It has been a terrible horrible very bad no good weekend chez mclazy. Someone had a Very Bad Cold and we ended up in the ER, where it suddenly didn't seem as bad as it had at home, but still. Anyway it was just a cold but, you know, bad.So the result is that my brain is completely fried. I left the keys hanging from the trunk of the car all night on Friday. My neighbors brought it in in the

Hi Larious

2007-12-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

I should really be choosing the yankee swap item from among the selections highlighed athttp://www.disturbingauctions.com/daily/perhaps the older ladies in my office will not be amused, but I will laugh and laugh for days to see them unwrapping, say, this:Or This:oh man that would be awesome. I still have pudding, there are now two pudding candidates, though one claims not to need the pudding.

Continued

2007-12-06T09:37:00.000-05:00

more suggestions, from thatmommy."Because we are unoriginal, we are doing the digital photo frame and an entertaining flash drive for my parents(a hippie van for dad, TBD for mom) and a new palm-held GPS and one of these for my partner's geocaching, gadget loving dad. There seem to be lots of USB gadgets around these days.And because we are mean, boring parents, the kids are getting mostly

Building the Better Gift Catalogue.

2007-12-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

Here are Clementine's excellent suggestions. They may not all suit my strange family, but I am linking them all for the greater good. I don't need the pudding, but here are some possible gift ideas:--A fluffy book possibility for your sister: Getting Over It by Anna Maxted. It's v. funny but also makes me cry. It's definitely chick-litish, though, so be careful if she hates that kind of crap. (

Never Too Late

2007-12-05T09:49:00.000-05:00

The pudding still going begging. Long time reader(s) may recall that last year, we bailed on xmas and bought no gifts. Now I'm out of practice, I have no idea what to get people. I don't even know what the cool kids are wearing these days. (I suspect they are not wearing ill fitting jeans decorated with spitup and hummus). what does my sister need? probably not a fistful of paperclips. but

Shopping Scavenger Hunt with PRIZE

2007-12-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

I was shipped a very expensive product by mistake. they are sending me my real item, but they do not want this one back.Product here.It is the 16 ounce bottle. Never opened! NIB! It is not quite two hundred forty dollas worth of puddin', but it's a lot of pudding. I don't need the pudding but I do need help shopping. So point me to the neatest coolest hardest to find items on the web today,

What, you're too good to be a member of a marginalized group now?

2007-12-03T21:27:00.000-05:00

does this ever happen to anyone else? You call up or run into someone you've been out of touch with for a long time, and she looks really nervous to see you, and after beating around the bush for a while, finally she mumbles through her fist that she's living with her "boyfriend"??I get the sense that people think I will shun them for not being gay anymore. Like what am I going to say? "Aw man

happy birthday Mr. Man

2007-11-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

here's what you do:you sign more, milk, book, sing, thank you, apple...in your own wayyou say more, dog, thank you, i love you, mama...in your own wayyou desire spicy food, milk, yogurt, laptop, guitar, violin, dogs, cats, tricycle, vacuum cleaner, and hugsyou stack blocks, you knock them down, you pretend to read books, you bang your guitar like a mini Pete Townshend, you ride your trike but

ha ha ha ha ha ha wheeze

2007-11-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

Julie linked to this and I laughed so hard I had to go lie down, then I came back and finished reading it, and I sprained a rib. oh dear.I'm posting this late because I have something else to post in about twenty minutes.

Neeeeeeever mind

2007-11-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

Oh hiiiiiii. How aaaaaare you? Oh your little todog is adoooooooorable. What? It's Godot? Oh what an interesting name. So, which of you is staying home with him? Oh you both have jobs? Oh that must be soooo harrrrd. Oh I could neeeeever do that. Oh, but you're doing great, really. Just great. So what does he like to do? Really? Play with cars? Oh how neat. Ginger is getting into

"I don't know the real words!"

2007-11-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

As sung by OD. There was an old woman who swallowed a flyI don't know why she swallowed a flyI hope she'll dieHA!!!

We interrupt the dumb stories hour....

2007-11-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

...to bring you a gift shopping guide for someone who may have lost a finger in a log-splitting incident. -finger puppets-finger paint-chinese finger trap-little box with a hole cut out where you put your finger to scare someone-fingerless gloves-book about fingerspelling-finger cots-nail polish-trip to finger lakes

The One Time My Sister Lost Her Bear, And I Found It, And Revealed The Finding At Great Personal Risk

2007-11-21T12:32:00.000-05:00

My sister as a little child had this kind of ugly teddy bear she called "white bear" (we were creative. my item was called "yellow blanket". laaaame). I went to the elementary school, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so she would have been 3 or 4. She went to a preschool across the street, and both schools shared the playground. So one day she came home from preschool with no bear. No bear!!

The One Time I Took The Wrong Train And It Was Really Cold Out

2007-11-20T08:14:00.000-05:00

One time in the winter when it was about 5 degrees out, I accidentally got on the wrong train at Back Bay. The commuter rail is designed for commuters: people who do it every day and know what the hell they're doing. They understand which trains come when and where. Dumdums like me stand helplessly on the platform hoping that the train arriving at 4:52 is the 4:56 to Franklin and not the 4:47

The One Time My Parents Let Us Stay Home Alone On New Year's Eve

2007-11-19T09:30:00.001-05:00

One time when I was 11, my parents--probably unable to find a sitter--said that I could stay home alone on New Year's Eve with my cousin (also 11) and my sister and her brother (both 7), while the adults went out. People used to do stuff like this, I really don't think it was considered that neglectful. Anyway, it was a cold night, with a beautiful cover of thick fresh snow on the ground. The